the sun always rises

Are you a morning person or a night owl? I think I'm a hybrid; spending the past decade on NOCs created a deep connection to 0600. Witnessing daybreak is the light at the end of my 12 hour tunnel. Every sunrise holds rest and restoration for me! I read an amazing devotional by Leeana Tankersley highlighting the magnificent promises we find in both sunrise and sunset. Every 24 hours the stars above us dance in harmony yielding to one another; never overstaying their welcome or leaving too soon. I watch the moon waltz across the worldstage as the sun begins to set a fresh scene. I begin to wonder if I should fall into the rhythm of nature or dance to the beat of my own drum. Sometimes I'm afraid to stargaze. Anxiety and depression pull the rug out from under me and  I can't get back into the swing of things. During those witching hours the dark clouds smother me and dawn seems nowhere in sight. But then I remember. It won't be soon before long. The sun shall rise again. Just as sure as it went down. It will shine for me once more. My biorhythm continues to find beauty in waking up to watch our Creator etch His masterpiece above. Today, I hope you choose to begin again. Whether your sun is rising (calmness, hope, optimism) or setting (chaos, disappointment, betrayal) you can--because of the inexhaustible grace of God--also rise again.

acceptance

"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want."

Fiery arrows sent shockwaves down my spine striking my superego and starting an unnerving sequelae of introspection. Over the past few years I had become so fixated on the job, relationship, and degree. This year I lost it all; striving for more no longer sustained me. I knelt at my desecrated altar weeping over broken pieces of my identity. I scraped all the shattered parts together denying this was how it ends for me. I mitigated cracked vessels hoping to salvage something worthy. I began bargaining with each trinket fighting to find one thing I could fix or save. "Something has to give," I thought, "these structures represent all my hopes! Every single dream!" Desperately trying to save the statutes I sacrificed the past decade of my life earning only resulted in my bloodshed. Every arrow punctured my core; every drop of blood broadcasted my vulnerability. I didn't have time to see where I had been pierced or where my enemy was. I didn't even know who the enemy was. I never realized I was at war. I helplessly watched my armor break apart and betray me revealing all my deepest insecurities. I laid teary-eyed on the ground and accepted this was the end for me. I closed my eyes and began to drift off to where I assumed would be eternity. 3 days passed before I mustered the will to open my eyes and sit up. 4 days later I was able to stand. I could hear my mentor saying, “keep going Faith perseverance will pay off for you!”  I began dressing my wounds as much as my pain tolerance allowed. I imagined my pride oozing out of every wound, saturating each bandage, and binding up all the impurities. My bleeding slowed then subsided. My id weakened then yielded to sadness. Not one idol I went to war over came off the throne I'd built to comfort me. None of the dry bones I'd spent countless hours speaking life into attempted to resuscitate me. No one I'd lifted up lent me a hand once they arrived at the top and made it over. Everyone had left me for dead. I tended to every wound monitoring each stage of healing. I relish the resilience of my skin. I honor the wisdom my discolorations whisper. Hyperpigmentation reflects my kaleidoscopic morals, integrity, and character. I paid heed to the dangers of disillusionment with each bandage; I vowed to every scar never to rebuild those shrines again. Embracing the fragility of flesh wields great power over death. Sometimes I succumb to my ego and pick at different scabs. I dissect dry patches scratching for an answer that could explain why no one came to my defense. Self-mutilation became the go to method in pinpointing exactly where I'd let my guard down. I forgot to not remember how my doing had become my undoing. I did not remember to forget all the embarrassing moments I laughed with them as they laughed at me. I punish myself for only now realizing the ulterior motives after having lead with pure intentions for so long. I wince at my nativity. I wallow in my folly. My woes mock my fate. This year I sacrificed every one of my plans, passions, desires, dreams. Life offered back my predestined purpose with another invitation to enjoy uncharted territory. My battle wounds reveal the power of silence in conflict; resemble the art of words in manifestation; reflect the possibilities of freedom in letting it all go. I am shedding the scales of 2025 and getting acquainted with this new majestic armor wondering what mysteries await. Experience transcends acceptance. Acceptance ascends peace. 

The east lobby

Whenever you start to feel ugly, cursed, big, black, heavy..think about that spider you saw in the east lobby. Spiders are no strangers to obscenities; indeed those are creatures accustomed to offensive reactions. Outside of the brave few who can behold its beauty, everyone screams, jumps, and runs away from these exotic creations. In all honesty, I believe only the Lord God Almighty ever truly loved the spider fully for what it is—as it is. Only the manufacturer will see the beauty in His creation no matter how it appears to others. Because that’s theirs! Flawed, defective, whatever..THEY MADE THAT. In spite of spectators' shrillness, the spider still spins a velvet rope up on high keeping watch over the east lobby. So next time you want to host a self pity party just remember...even you shrink back at the sight of the spider.

WEAR RED DAY 2022

Have you ever experienced the joy in alignment with God’s will for your life? Before today I had always believed I was on the right path towards my purpose but I still had doubts and fears about being all the our Creator has called me to be. But the beauty in striding with Jesus is that He will never leave you unsure of what he has called you to be this side of heaven. As a Nursing major and Psychology minor, I had the privilege to blend my Community Health Family Violence and Addiction senior thesis capstone projects. Preparing my last undergraduate papers led me to an amazing area of research that pretty much runs parallel to my life (because God is just that particular)! I initially had to watch Dr. Nadine’s TEDMED as part of a online discussion assignment but after dedicating an entire weekend to EBSCOHost and Medline online academic databases a weekly online discussion post became the catalyst for my independent research journey. As a novice Cardiac nurse with most of my clinical experience as a CNA being on Telemetry/CV/Cardiology units I have seen firsthand how widespread heart disease is in America. For most of my life I have been told by healthcare professionals this is because Americans are just lazy and eat too much. I can’t count how many physicals I had to get for school where I was told to just lose weight and stop eating so much. And for a loooonnnnngggg time I blamed myself for my obesity and depression. It wasn’t until I started diagnosing myself and creating opportunities to explore my abusive childhood that I began to understand it was much more than losing weight that I needed to do. Then I realized my bad habits started in my formative years when I used food as an addiction to cope with the toxic stress of living in a toxic environment, being constantly judged, and not feeling validated in my own skin. It wasn’t until I learned about the Adverse Childhood Experience Survey, or ACES, which was a research study created in 1994 (my birth year because God is specific like that) to ascertain the impact of childhood trauma on chronic illnesses—namely heart disease. In short, toxic stress in childhood negatively impacts the body’s flight-or-fight response because this system is reactivated every single time danger is perceived which leads to hypertension, hyperlipidemia, and high stress hormones which damages the kidneys. Many American’s are still battling their childhood and their only relief has been to just lose weight and eat right, until now. In partnership with the American Heart Association and #HealthyPeople2030, I am excited to present my research baby which I feel has been with me all along. My first year of college down at UIUC I was a Public Law & Policy major which fell under the College of Agricultural and Consumer Economics Sciences—or College of ACES. Even back then God was planting the seeds that I have had to water with my blood, sweat, and tears over the past decade as a tried and failed my way through school. But seeing just how beautifully everything has come together for me I thank the LORD for his provision as I journeyed towards this moment. I hope you find this information informative and start to look through your own life for His hand because He will never leave you nor forsake you. Peace & Health!

Kawasaki disease day

My inaugural post will cover a rare pediatric disease near and dear to my heart (pun intended)! On this international holiday, let's learn more about KD and how to early detect in our children to prevent cardiac complications.